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  • Writer's pictureVioleta M. Bagia

There are many ways to grieve and heal

There are countless religions, countless ways in which people make sense of events in their lives and the reason behind why something happened. There are also countless ways in which you’re allowed to experience, grieve and make sense of these events.

I understand that people find faith in God, or whatever deity they believe in and I know that for most, these ways of managing trauma and grief is paramount to their way of life and I respect this.

But what I do not respect, is when people with these faiths and these beliefs belittle those who don’t share the sentiment, and some even go so far as to tell them that they’re not dealing with their trauma or grief the right way. As if to say that they have no right to be miserable, to wallow, to cry or to be angry. Because I can honestly say, sometimes all you need is to be miserable, all you need is to cry and be angry, and sometimes that is the best way.

Now let me add this, there is no right way to grieve and heal. There is no formula, no magic code for waking up and feeling great. Some days you’ll feel like waking up is hard, other days you’ll feel like you can conquer the world, and sometimes, you’ll just get by being an average person with no horrific backstory to weigh you down.

And if joining a kickboxing team and beating the crap out of someone, helps, then you go and kick ass girl. If going to church and praying each and every night helps, do it. And if sharing your story, teaching others of the dark past that has shaped your present helps, get it out there, teach! Feel free to get angry, to cry, to embrace the dark and ask why!

And for sake of saying something which should be common sense, I’m going to shout it out loud for those in the back anyway.

Stop telling people how to grieve, stop telling them they should have faith in the past and that some deity has chosen this way for them, because let me tell you, some won’t see a miraculous reason behind why they were attacked, assaulted, raped. They won’t see a miraculous reason for finding faith in this being some sort of gift from which they should grow and be grateful for their lesson.

If that is your personal belief, please go on and keep believing that. But don’t make the people who choose not to embrace this gift, feel any less worthy of their emotions or like their way of grieving and healing is not right.

Because that is complete and utter bullshit. So shut up and sit down.

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